K & M (Wife & Husband) – Melbourne

K

I walked out of Dr. Jantos’ office, smiling and very happy with my husband beside me. I saw a young woman sitting at the reception area, eyes full of tears and face turned away. My heart went out to her and I wanted to comfort her. She was exactly where I was more than 18 years ago.

The biggest difference was that this woman was about to see the kind Dr. Jantos, whereas 18 years ago when I was seeking professional help I was practically violated without any explanation. I was asked to get on to the examination table/bed where doctor proceeded to insert her fingers while I was screaming with pain. She said that everything was all right and referred me to a psychiatrist. The so-called psychiatrist tried to convince me that I was homosexual (which I knew I wasn’t). These people only made me doubt myself, made me think that my pain must be in my head and etc.

Long story short, after going through 4 years of depression while seeing the professionals, the day arrived where I decide enough was enough. I overcame depression all by myself as I started to trust and believe in myself again and led a normal life except for my sexual life. Sometimes I felt as though my whole life was a lie. My husband stood by me and supported me the best he could, even though eventually I stopped getting any intimacy from him. I settled for less as I could not give this very important part of myself to him and was not able to satisfy my husband or myself sexually. All those years I felt guilty that I could not share a child with him. And I silently suffered whenever my husband shared intimacy with a woman even though it may have being a very innocent gesture like touching hands, hugging etc as my husband had stopped sharing those simple gestures with myself.

About 8 months ago I finally got the courage to talk to my GP who I have seen for the last 10 years, a very understanding, and modern thinking one. This GP referred me to Dr. Janet Hall, who after 3 sessions with me referred me to Dr. Marek Jantos. Within 3 months of seeing Marek, for the first time in my life I was able to have intercourse with my husband and became sexually active at 43 years of age. Three months ago I could not even insert my own little finger. Thanks to Marek my husband and I were able consummate our marriage after 18 years and 8 months of married life. What a day that was!

Marek patiently help me realise that I had everything I needed to help myself right inside me. He taught me to live in the moment and to let go and relax, relax, relax. He helped me to trust and believe in myself and by doing so gave me hope as to what I could achieve. Marek brought out these qualities I had hidden deep inside myself. When I read all the other case studies I realised that many women have gone through similar situations before meeting Marek. This increased my confidence in my own and other women’s fighting spirit and self-knowing. We know our bodies and we all know that it isn’t in our heads. Thank goodness for Dr. Marek Jantos. I have fulfilled my wish of having intercourse and a sexual life with my husband thanks to Marek. He has even given me hope that I will be able to have my own child. I cannot thank him enough for all the help that he gave me. And I cannot stop praising his name, Marek helped me overcome pain and live my life as it is, without deception and lies which no-one else could do for over 18 years.

M

We have been unable to consummate our marriage of 18 years due to pain that my wife encountered. We have a unique relationship where sex wasn’t the ultimate experience in forming the foundations of our marriage. Even though we both wanted it to be solved we made no progress. We were always able to ignore it and enjoyed a very happy and successful marriage. However, now I realise that we coped by concentrating on other aspects of the life like education, careers and friends rather than solving our problem.

After our first encounter of painful sex we went to see our GP. She was from the same ‘cultural’ background as us. She prescribed my wife some relaxant tablets and virtually asked me to have sex with my wife after she goes to ‘sleep’. I totally refused to do that as it felt like I was raping her.

After few years we went to see another GP and he tried to examine my wife while she was screaming with pain. It also didn’t work and both of us lost the trust with General Practitioners. Again after few months we went to see a doctor at a family planning clinic. She inserted a dilator to my wife’s vagina while she was screaming and asked me to have a look and said ‘see there is nothing wrong with her opening’ and said we should be able to have intercourse.

All these episodes made us unable to trust GPs anymore. Meantime we worked on building a new house and were very successful in our careers. By this time all our friends had children and they started to tease us because we didn’t, and even our relatives started treating us differently. After moving to the new house we went to see a new GP. He was the same age as we were and was open to discuss any problems. However, it took us another 10 years to discuss our sexual problem with him. This particular GP referred us to a top psychologist and sex therapist in Melbourne. After few visit with her she referred us to Marek Jantos.

In our first appointment Marek he explained his approach to vulvadynia in detail and referred us to a gynaecologist to resolve some skin irritation before beginning therapy. My wife saw Marek a few times in Melbourne where she was taught how to do some relaxing exercises. She then progressed to intensive therapy in Adelaide, and after two days of treatment he asked us to attempt full intercourse. That night we were able consummate after 18 years of marriage.

Although our marriage was happy and successful I had a very difficult task to convince my wife that I was not having affairs with other women. Whenever I was close to another woman she would accuse me of having affairs. When she saw me being affectionate to others she thought that I was getting my satisfaction from outside. I now realised that I used to shutdown/turn off the sex part of my brain. I lost libido. I was not intimate with my wife. I concentrated most of the time on my studies, hobbies and on my professional career.

None of the GPs were able to diagnose this condition. They always thought that this problem was in my wife’s head. Only now do we realise how much it has affected our marriage. Thanks to Marek’s vast knowledge and experience in this issue we have been able to resolve this issue. He is a very calm and collected professional and it’s easy to openly discuss your problems with him.

I have been always proud of my wife’s achievements. However, the efforts she put forward to overcome this condition made me realise that how much I love her. She did it for both of us. We proved that a marriage can survive without sex but with commitment, love and care for each other. Yes, you will encounter disagreements and accusations. You can survive if you are faithful, care and love each other.

As a partner of a vulvodynia sufferer I can assure you that there is hope. We were able to overcome it with the help of Marek. I sincerely hope that people who need help will get it from this remarkable person. After 18 years of sexless marriage we did it so any one can do it.